


sky of the sky of a tree called life

by ladystark



Series: riverswap [1]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M, Minor Character Death, brief mentions of other serpents and a fred/hermione/mary throuple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:40:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24435265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladystark/pseuds/ladystark
Summary: As she looks down at the newborn in her arms, Alice finds that she can’t think about anything besides her and her daughter in this hospital room. The ache in her chest made by giving up Charles and deepened by losing Polly starts to stitch itself up, and she doesn’t care if Hal never takes her back, or if FP spends the rest of his life caught between her and Gladys and the bottle. She doesn’t care about any of that, and doesn’t know if she ever will again.(in which Charles turns up, Hal kicks her out, Betty enters the picture, and Alice restarts her life on the Southside.)
Relationships: Alice Cooper & Betty Cooper, Alice Cooper (Archie Comics) & Original Charles Smith (Riverdale), Alice Cooper/FP Jones II
Series: riverswap [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764676
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36
Collections: riverswap





	sky of the sky of a tree called life

**Author's Note:**

> this is part of the riverswap universe which i created with the wonderful [dez](https://archiveofourown.org/users/everytuesday), in which betty is raised on the southside by alice and fp. this is about events that precede that, and is mainly a chance for me to explore alice - who i find interesting and complex in canon, and moreso in this au. it's more an alice character piece than anything else, but there's some falice and mentions of other events in the timeline. if you want more information on this universe, then we have a nice little [blog](https://riverswap.tumblr.com/)!  
> title is from [i carry your heart with me(i carry it in)] by e.e cummings.

Alice discovers that she’s pregnant two weeks after Hal kicks her out.

She supposes she should have seen the signs - the morning sickness, the sudden aversion to certain foods, the swollen breasts - but she’d been so caught up with trying to restart her life that she just ignored them. Assumed they were symptoms of stress, her body struggling to process the sudden change in lifestyle.

But the truth is staring her in the face, a glaring  _ plus  _ sign that seems to be mocking her.

As she sits there, in the bathroom of the shitty apartment where she’s been granted temporary accommodation, pregnancy test in her hand, Alice flashes back to an eerily similar situation ten years before.

Alice rests her free hand on her stomach, and feels a surge of love for the child that’s to come. The feeling mixes with her fear and regret, her uncertainty and confusion, but it’s still there. She remembers feeling it when she gave birth to Charles, and when the doctor confirmed she was pregnant with Polly. It overwhelms her, and even though the circumstances are almost as terrifying as they were when she was in high school, she wants this baby.

She’s thrown the test out by the time Charles gets home from school, grumbling about how much he hates his new classmates. Alice tries to reassure him that he’ll fit in eventually, but she’s not entirely sure that he will - the story behind his sudden appearance spread fast throughout Riverdale, and the fact he’s living on the Southside with his unemployed mother isn’t doing him any favours. She can only hope he finds someone to stick by him like FP had with Fred, instead of falling down the path of drugs and fights in the girl’s bathroom like she did.

She makes him dinner and asks him about the more educational aspects of his day while he eats, thrilled that Charles came out of the Brothers of Quiet Mercy with a love of learning. Alice still feels like she’s walking on glass around him, unsure of how to take care of a ten year old, particularly one that’s prone to unnerving comments and intense stares, one that caused her marriage to fall apart. 

But she loves him, and she doesn’t want to let him go ever again, so she tries. Makes conversation when she can and cooks and kisses his head and spends half her savings on buying him things.

The apartment they’re living in only has one bedroom with barely enough room for a double, so Alice and Charles share it every night. Charles doesn’t complain about having to sleep in the same bed as his mother every night, and often clings to her in his sleep, as if trying to recover the ten years he didn’t receive her love and comfort at all.

Tonight’s one of those nights, and Charles is snuggled up close enough that she can stroke his hair softly. He murmurs a lot in his sleep, and it’s the only sound Alice hears as she stares up at the ceiling in the dark, thinking about the cells forming inside of her.

A part of her wants to keep it from Hal, wants him to never learn the truth about the child. An act of revenge for kicking her out on the street with nothing but a purse and a ten year old child.

But she wants to believe that if she tells him, he’ll take her back. Love her again and let her love Polly again, start their family all over. 

It’s an ideal scenario that she allows herself to seek comfort in as she drifts to sleep, even as her brain screams at her to be more rational.

* * *

In the morning, the reality of talking to Hal sets in, and she spends a week avoiding the inevitable, a week pretending that he’ll reach out to her first. That he’ll say he’s sorry for what happened and that he wants to try again, and she can make him smile with the news of her pregnancy.

But Hal doesn’t call and he doesn’t knock on her door, and Alice is forced to realise that he’ll never be the one to take the first step.

There’s many things that Alice likes about herself, even when she feels constrained by the twisted, ugly,  _ wrong  _ parts of herself that she can’t get rid of, no matter how hard she tries. Alice knows she is smart, and beautiful, and tough, and stubborn. She knows these things about herself, and she likes them, and she uses them as a shield when the world gets too tough.

But above all else, she likes that she is  _ proud,  _ which is why it kills her to knock on the door of 111 Elm Street. She doesn’t want to beg for Hal’s forgiveness and love, but this is  _ his  _ child, and it might be her only chance for him to take her back. Let her see Polly and welcome Charles into their home and raise the baby growing inside her together.

To save herself some shame, Alice tells herself that she’s doing this for her children, and not for herself. She can function without Hal, but her kids need a stable family.

The door swings open to reveal Hal, and she notes with some delight that his shirt is rumpled and his jaw is unshaven. She knows it’s petty, but he was the one who kicked  _ her  _ out, and if he’s struggling to adjust to his new life, and well...that’s his problem, isn’t it?

Alice’s moment of pleasure is quickly squashed by the look of anger that flashes in Hal’s eyes, and she’s forced to remember that even if he overreacted, she hurt him first. FP and her high school pregnancy had always been soft spots in their marriage, and Alice can’t imagine his betrayal to find out just how connected the two were.

“Alice,” he says, and the ice in his voice cuts right through her, “I thought you understood what I meant when I told you to get out of my sight.”

Alice stops herself from saying something snide in return, taking a deep breath before replying “I understood it perfectly. But I need to talk to you.”

“Unless it’s about how you’ve sent your bastard child back to where he belongs and cut ties with FP for good, I don’t want to hear it,” Hal snarks, and Alice is momentarily tempted to run FP out of town. If that’s what it takes for Hal to take her back, to let her see Polly, to welcome Charles, to want their unborn child - she’ll do it. But she won’t give up her son again.

She knows Hal wouldn’t want to hear all of that though, and has very little patience for her. so instead she blurts out the simple truth.

“I’m pregnant,” Alice announces, and momentarily flashes back to Hal’s joy when she told him she was pregnant with Polly. It seems like a lifetime ago now.

When she’s met with nothing but silence, she quickly adds “it’s yours,” while staring into his deep blue eyes. Tries to find a sign of the boy who loved her with ease when they were seventeen, even if it was a love she never returned.

“That’s not my problem,” Hal says after a long moment, and slams the door before Alice can say anything else.

She stands there for a few minutes, contemplating banging on the door until he relented to hear her out, or at least let her have a moment with Polly. But she wouldn’t put it past Hal to call the police, and Alice isn’t really in good standing with the  _ good, polite, Riverdale folks  _ at the sheriff’s department right now.

So instead she goes home, and waits until the door to her apartment is locked behind her before she cries, cries loud, aching sobs that rock her body. The tears are less for Hal and more for herself, for the life she’s lost, for the daughter she’s not allowed to see and the unborn child Hal wants nothing to do with. Cries until her eyes are dry and her throat hurts, until her face is all red and her makeup has streaked everywhere.

And then, because she is Alice Cooper - no, Alice  _ Smith -  _ she picks herself up off the floor, and she washes her face until it looks normal again, and promises herself that she will not cry about this ever again. She grew up on the Southside, she kept a man’s death a secret, she gave birth in a ghoulish nunnery, she went to jail, she gave up a child. She can get through this. With or without anyone else.

And, she reminds herself when she hears Charles knocking on the door to be let in, and rests her hand on her stomach, she’s not entirely alone.

* * *

She gets served with divorce papers a week later.

She can’t say she’s surprised.

* * *

“I wanna see dad,” Charles tells her over dinner one night, twirling his spaghetti around on his fork. He’s just finished complaining about his school day and how much he hates most of his classmates, but he seems to have finally found some friends in a few of the other Southside kids, which is a relief. Alice had been a loner by choice for most of her schooling years, and she sometimes wonders if things would have turned out differently if she’d learned to let people in earlier.

“Okay,” Alice replies, because she isn’t totally opposed to the idea of Charles having a relationship with FP. They’ve met twice before and got along fine, and Alice knows all too well the pain of being kept from your child. But she’s been scared of making it a regular thing, because FP has a history and FP has issues and FP has Gladys, and Alice doesn’t want Charles getting caught in the middle of all that.

But she deprived FP of getting to be with his son for ten years, and she’s not going to do it again. As long as they both want it, Alice wants them to have some kind of a relationship.

“How about this weekend?” she asks, because she’s been meaning to see about getting a job anyway, and it won’t be easy if she has Charles tagging along. Ideally, she’d start up her own paper to rival the Register, but for now, she has bills to pay and a child to raise. She can’t be picky, not when she’s going to have another baby in a few months and her savings are slowly starting to run dry. There’s other things she needs to do too, but Charles does not need to know that

Charles nods, and goes back to his dinner in silence. He likes silence, and although Alice usually finds it disconcerting, she’s grateful for it this time, because it means she gets to start preparing herself for seeing FP.

* * *

On Saturday, she knocks on the door of his trailer, which swings open to reveal Gladys. Alice has never been a fan of the other woman, and she knows the feeling is mutual, but she’s not going to get into a catfight in front of her son, so she makes herself smile.

“Gladys,” she says carefully, “Charles wanted to see his father.”

“Would have been nice if you warned us,” Gladys murmurs, but FP appears over her shoulder before she can say anything else, his smile widening at the sight of his son.

“You don’t mind taking care of him for a few hours, do you?” She asks, nodding down at the boy, who’s looking around the trailer park, still fascinated by it. Looks down at Charles so she doesn’t have to look at FP or his wife. “I’ve got to look for some work.”

“Of course,” FP replies quickly, stepping around Gladys to come outside and crouch down, looking Charles in the eye with a smile. Alice looks back up at the other woman, who simply shrugs and retreats back into the trailer. Despite her dislike of Alice, Gladys is ambivalent to Charles and his existence, which is a warm change from Hal’s hatred of the child.

“You gonna be alright?” FP asks, causing Alice to turn her attention back to him. He’s a little unshaven and wearing one of his regular flannels, and Alice kind of hates that she still finds him attractive, and that he still seems to care about her, when she’s spent so long trying to deny that she still cares about him.

Alice flicks her hair over her shoulder, glad that she bothered to do her makeup today, not wanting to show more vulnerability than she already has lately, “I’ll be fine. I’m just forbidden from working at the Register anymore, so I need to start somewhere.”

To her surprise, FP laughs as he begins to usher Charles inside, telling her that “Hal’s a real asshole.”

Although Alice can understand her husband’s anger to a certain extent, she can’t help but agree, and allows herself to smirk at FP in agreement.

“Nice to know that even you can be right sometimes,” she replies and begins to walk off, looking back to see FP grin as she calls out, “See you later.”

* * *

Getting a job is easy enough. She goes to the Whyte Wyrm first, and Hog Eye tells her she can start tomorrow night without even thinking about it. He’s always had a soft spot for her, and despite her betrayal, the Serpents have been rather kind to her the past month, giving her support that she doesn’t deserve.

“Is your kid going to be okay on his own?” Hog Eye asks as he wipes down the bar, giving her his familiar grin. He hasn’t changed since she was a teenager coming here on a regular basis, and it’s a strange comfort in a world where everything has turned completely on its head.

Alice shrugs, “FP can look after him a few nights a week. That’s where Charles is right now, anyway.”

Hog Eye’s smile fades a little and his eyes darken, and his voice is a little quieter when he replies, “Don’t count on it, Alice. He’s here more often than some of my staff.”

It’s the kind of brutal truth that she’s gotten used to over the years, but she’s spent those years ignoring them whenever she could, and this time is no different. She doesn’t trust FP and is aware of his problems, but she wants to think that he’ll clean up his act, if only for his son. So she doesn’t say anything else to Hog Eye except for a thanks and a promise to see him tomorrow, and exits the Wyrm to go do what she really needs to do.

* * *

The confirmation of her pregnancy and the sight of the ultrasound puts all concerns about FP out of her mind, and Alice leaves the doctor’s office filled with joy. She knows that it’s not going to be an easy pregnancy, given the current state of her life, but she can’t help but smile when she thinks about the child growing inside of her. It’s a happiness that she carries with her for the rest of the day, smiling so bright when she goes to pick up Charles that Gladys asks her if she’s on drugs. FP looks mildly concerned but it’s quickly replaced with his own happiness when she asks him to look after Charles the next night and for any other times she’s working, and in that moment, she can’t help but think that she won’t ever have to worry about seeing FP at the Wyrm.

* * *

Alice gets into a rhythm over the next few weeks, and finds herself slowly adjusting to her new circumstances. She goes to work and goes to appointments and continues to improve her relationship with Charles, finding it easy to dedicate herself to him, to make him the core of her world. Alice doesn’t see anyone except her doctor and her patrons and her coworkers and FP, and finds that she doesn’t even care about the drama surrounding the rest of Riverdale. There are days when she wants to cry or scream or throws things, but keeps herself stable and sane by thinking of Charles and her baby. Rubs her stomach or holds her son close when Hal continues to push for the divorce and full custody of Polly, fully aware that Alice does not have the resources or financial stability to fight too much. Dedicates herself to her oldest child and the one yet to come so it’s easier to convince herself that her daughter will be better with her father, that Hal can provide for her in ways that Alice cannot.

She waits until the four month mark to tell Charles the news, treating him to dinner at Pop’s for once instead of the basic dinners they’re forced to depend on most days. She has the night off from work, and thankfully, the crowds at Pop’s are smaller during the middle of the week, and Alice isn’t forced to see anyone she knows.

“I’ve got some news for you,” she tells Charles once their food has arrived. Despite her bright smile, Charles looks up at her in horror, dropping his burger back down.

“Are you sending me away again?” He asks, voice quivering with fear, and Alice hates herself so much for ever doing it, for never coming back for him. She tries so hard to make up for it and they’ve come so far since Charles still showed up on her doorstep, but the terror in his eyes makes her feel like she’s seventeen years old again, watching one of the Brothers take her son from her,

“No, no, sweetie, that’s not it,” she says quickly, reaching forward and taking his hand. Charles doesn’t pull away and he nods at her, but he’s still trembling a little.

“It’s good news,” she continues and smiles again, and Charles hesitantly returns it, “You’re going to have a baby brother or sister.”

His face suddenly goes blank, as Alice has learned it tends to do whenever he processes something, and she watches him warily for a moment. She suddenly wonders if this is just another piece of news that will upset him rather than comfort him, if he’ll be hurt and angry that she’s having another child when she gave him up.

But eventually, Charles breaks out into a smile and his eyes brighten, “Really?”

“Really,” Alice replies, squeezing his hand, “But it’s just between us right now, okay honey? Don’t tell your friends or your dad just yet.”

Charles nods in agreement, and spends the entire meal whispering excitedly about everything he’s going to show his baby sibling, and Alice has never loved her son more.

* * *

It’s surprisingly easy to keep her pregnancy a secret from the wider population of Riverdale. She supposes that part of it is the fact she tends not to stray too far from the places she’s made her new home, but she’s also lucky enough that she doesn’t start showing until a few weeks after she’s told Charles. For a long time, it is just their secret, something they whisper about together at night in lieu of bedtime stories.

Eventually, though, it becomes harder to hide when her stomach grows bigger and each day becomes a little more difficult. Hog Eye is the first person she tells, warning him that she might not be as useful in the months to come, and he just laughs, ruffling her hair.

“No worries, baby mama,” he grins, “Be nice to have another little snake around.”

His response is a reassurance in more ways than one, a confirmation that the serpents have accepted her back into their fold over the past six months.

Word of mouth gets around pretty fast after that, and she receives a few calls of congratulations from the former members of the Midnight Club. Alice doesn’t think they’d be reaching out if they weren’t all going through similar things, but she thanks them all the same, says that she can’t attend any baby showers or catch up for lunch but that she appreciates the offer.

She drops Charles off at the trailer one day, and both FP and Gladys come out to stare at her for a minute. Alice realises with a snort that Gladys is pregnant too, and wonders how it is that they all seemed to be having kids at the same time.

“Congratulations,” she tells them, and FP grins. He seems to enjoy being a father, despite the questionable activities he seems to do with Charles, and she hopes that this will keep him on the path of stability. She hasn’t seen him at the Wyrm once she started, and is blindly hoping that he isn’t there any other night.

“Likewise,” Gladys replies, “You going to be doing it alone?”

It’s the first time someone’s asked her that question, but she knows that Gladys isn’t the first one to think it, and she appreciates the honesty.

“Not by choice, but yes,” she says, and remembers FP’s sentiment about Hal being an asshole. She’s starting to be relieved that he doesn’t want anything to do with this child, not wanting him to take another away from her. She’s stopped thinking about Polly, the pain of it too unbearable.

Gladys makes a little humming sound before saying, “Well. Good luck.” There’s a trace of mockery in it, but for the most part she seems genuine, and Alice is oddly comforted by it. Gladys disappears back into the trailer before she can thank her, and Alice is left alone with FP on the grounds of Sunnyside.

“You know,” FP says, sounding unsure of where he’s going with this, “If you need any help at all...I’m always here. And I’ve spoken to Fred and his girls, and they’re around too. You won’t have to do it alone Alice.”

It’s a comforting notion, and she appreciates it, even if it’s not something she wants. Having help would make things easier, but it would feel too much like pity, and Alice is determined to figure this out on her own. She’s Alice Smith, and she doesn’t  _ need  _ anyone else.

“Focus on your own family, FP,” she replies, but offers him a small smile before she leaves. She half expects him to chase after her or yell about how he’ll be around if she changes her mind, but instead he just calls out that he’ll see her soon.

* * *

Unfortunately, the next time she sees him is two weeks later at the Wyrm.

Alice has been doing the rounds and doing some work in the back for most of the night, so it’s only when she comes out to the bar towards the end of her shift that she sees FP. Her heart instantly drops into the pit of her stomach, but any sadness is quickly replaced by rage when she remembers that he’s supposed to be looking after Charles tonight. She stalks over to him, and a few of the other customers at the bar watch her warily, as if they think a heavily pregnant woman is going to start yelling at them instead.

FP, ironically, is the only one who doesn’t seem concerned, greeting her with a grin and a cheer of “Alice!”

“What the hell, FP?” she demands, wanting to kill whoever decided to give him the countless drinks he must have consumed, “You’re meant to be with Charles.  _ Our  _ son.”

FP’s smile doesn’t fade, waving his hand around with a lack of concern, “It’s fine. ‘Mione called and said Fred took Mary to the hospital - she’s having their kid! So Gladys went to give her some company. Said she could take Charles and let him see how the Northsiders live.”

“And you came here,” she snaps, but her anger is starting to fade. She doesn’t approve of Charles being right next door to Hal, but she trusts Hermione, and figures that they could all use some comfort and company tonight.

“Hermione’s not the biggest fan of me,” FP shrugs, “And I had to celebrate. Fred’s gonna have a kid!”

Alice knows that FP’s love and admiration of Fred has stayed solid when everything else in his life hasn’t, and she doesn’t blame him for wanting to celebrate this occasion. But it’s the way he’s going about it that upsets her, and it makes it difficult for her to feel any excitement of her own. FP doesn’t notice however, holding up his glass in enthusiasm, not caring when the beer sloshes all over his hand.

“Look at us all,” FP announces, and his voice is a little too loud but his smile is genuine, “Everyone’s having a baby or getting divorced. But we’re in it together!”

He downs the rest of his drink and looks at her, eyes a little wild, but still as warm and brown as they’ve always been. The eyes she fell in love with, and she doesn’t know if it’s old feelings or pregnancy hormones, but the rest of her rage fades.

“FP,” Alice sighs, unsure if she should laugh or scold him. She rests her hand on top of his instead, and he looks at their hands in amazement, as if shocked that Alice deigned to touch him.

“Shoulda been us,” he says, quieter than he was a moment ago, “Having the baby, I mean. Not the divorce.”

“We have a baby,” she reminds him gently, because Charles might not be Polly or her and Gladys’ unborn children but he’s a child and he’s  _ theirs _ , even when he wasn’t.

“But we’re not a family,” FP says, and Alice pulls her hand away in shock. She doesn’t know what to say to that, unsure if he’s bitter or longing or just plain drunk. Doesn’t know if she should encourage the fantasy or remind him of all the reasons why they’re not.

She’s saved the trouble of answering when Hog Eye lumbers over with a smile and tells her “You’re done for the day, baby mama.” She nods and says she’ll see him tomorrow, grabbing her bag and leaving the Whyte Wyrm as fast as her body can carry her.

She doesn’t look back at FP, not once. Picks up Charles from Gladys, who informs her that Hermione sent her home after putting her own child to bed, and Alice thanks her for everything. They’re not friends, but Gladys has still helped her, and it makes her feel so guilty to think about what her husband just confessed. Alice almost hates FP for it, hates him for putting this on her and for betraying his wife like that.

But she thinks about what he said all night, lying in bed with Charles fast asleep beside her. Wonders if FP really does want a family with her, wants to raise their son together, wants to be the father to her unborn child that Hal refuses to be. Wonders if that’s what he’s always wanted, to be a unit with her, and if he’s willing to sacrifice Gladys for that.

Alice doesn’t think she can break up a marriage, not when her own is in shambles, but she can’t deny that she’s always kept that candle burning for FP. Even when she tried to run and hide, it was a light and warmth that followed her everywhere, and the idea of stability and love with him is a nice thought to fall asleep to.

She decides she’ll think it over in the morning, talk to FP, sort out what they are and what they want and how Gladys and Hal and Polly and pregnancies fit into everything. They can work out something that works for everyone and benefits all the children involved, she’s sure of it. They wouldn’t even be the most confusing and complicated family in Riverdale. Promises herself that she can figure something out in the coming days, because she is Alice Smith, and she’s not going to give up on having a family just yet.

But then she’s woken up by a phone call informing her that Mary Andrews died in childbirth, the baby too, and the only family she cares about is Fred’s.

* * *

She goes to the funeral with Charles, her in a black dress that’s a little too tight of her baby bump and him in a button down she bought from the second hand store. It’s uncomfortable, seeing everyone again, and their eyes keep flicking down to her stomach, but Alice isn’t here for them. She was never particularly close with Mary, but Fred has always been good to her, and she can’t imagine the pain he must be in.

Despite her best efforts to focus on Fred and Hermione and the service, she can’t help but scan the crowd for Hal. She doesn’t want to see or talk to him, especially since she can’t imagine any conversation with him ending well, but she does want to see Polly. The hole in her heart that had been made when she gave up Charles has been replaced by the loss of her daughter, and she wants to believe that it could begin to fill, if only slightly, if she could see her just for a moment.

But Hal doesn’t attend, and selfishly, it’s this realisation that brings her to tears.

Alice snakes her way through the crowd of mourners to talk to Fred and Hermione, avoiding catching FP’s eyes on her way over. There’s a wake at the Andrews house, but Alice has no intentions of attending, not wanting to deal with people whispering about her during a celebration of Mary’s life and a mourning for the child who never got to have one. But she owes it to Fred to give him some form of comfort, thinking back to how kind he was to her when they were kids, and how kind he’s been in the years since, even though Alice never quite deserved it.

“Fred,” she says softly to get his attention after Sierra McCoy (sans her husband but carrying her baby) has paid her condolences and walked off. Fred turns to face her, as does Hermione, who’s holding her own child in her arms. Alice was too caught up in her own drama to investigate whatever was going on between all of them prior to Mary’s death, but now she wishes she’d paid more attention. Cared more, when she had the chance, because she knows that any attempts to do so now will just seem fake.

“I’m so sorry,” she tells him, and it’s probably the most honest thing she’s said in years. Alice has often thought that Fred is the only wholly good soul in Riverdale, and he’s the last person who deserves a loss this cruel, “Mary was wonderful.”

“She was,” Fred nods, and Alice hugs him as best she can given the baby bump. Fred hugs her back tight, and she flashes back to a similar moment when Fred buried his father ten years before. They had been friends then, and she had loved him, and she hopes, as they hold each other, that he realises that she still does.

When they break apart, Fred is crying, and Alice wishes that she was better at kind words of comfort, wishes she could take away some of his pain. To lose a spouse is one thing, to lose a child is another, to lose both at once seems needlessly cruel, the kind of hurt that no human should ever have to go through.

“Thank you for coming, Alice,” Hermione says gently, and Alice can see the same hurt reflected in her dark eyes. It confirms her suspicions that whatever was going on between the three of them was more than a friend staying with a married couple, that they formed a family along with baby Veronica. A family of genuine love, the kind that Alice doesn’t think she’s ever experienced. At this moment, she’s almost glad of that, because she can’t imagine how much harder this makes everything.

Alice leans forward and kisses Hermione’s cheek as an apology, not wanting to try and work out a hug with her stomach and the sleeping child in Hermione’s arms, and she hopes it’s enough. Judging by the smile on Hermione’s face when she pulls away, it’s not enough to ease the grief, but it’s more than she could have expected from Alice.

She leaves after that, unsure of how her presence fits into everything now, holding Charles’s hand tight as they walk down the streets of Riverdale. She takes him to Pop’s, empty except for the two girls managing the shop, ones too young to have any reason to be at Mary’s funeral.

Alice sits in a booth with her son, watching as he sips at a milkshake and slowly chews on his fries, and wonders how she could have been so selfish. To give him up, to try and build a life without him, when life itself is so fleeting and fragile. It’s not fair that she had a child that she ignored for a decade while Fred lost his before it was even born, not fair that all of her losses have come with her gaining something in return, when she doesn’t deserve second chances. How is it that she gets to sit here, with the child she spent years pretending she didn’t love, with another along the way, when the kindest soul she knows is mourning? How can she think that her relationship with FP matters in any way when a man has lost his wife, and a woman has lost her lover? Alice feels as if she’s drowning in her guilt and regret, but she doesn’t want to be saved, doesn’t think she’s earned it.

She doesn’t realise she’s crying until Charles frowns at her and asks what’s wrong, and she quickly wipes away her tears and forces a smile. 

Her son doesn’t need to hear any more lies, but he doesn’t deserve to be burdened with her pain either, so she tells him a half truth, that she’s mourning her friend.

Charles nods slowly, and Alice numbly thinks that ten is still too young to understand the enormity and permanence of death, that even with his own difficult childhood, he can’t comprehend Fred and Hermione’s loss.

He seems to mull it over for a few more minutes before getting up and coming to sit besides Alice on her side of the booth, resting his head against her shoulder. For the millionth time, Alice wonders how she could have ever given him up, could have ever pretended she didn’t want him.

“It’ll be okay, mommy,” he whispers, and seems startled when that just makes her cry even more. But because she can’t explain how much hearing those words from him mean to her, can’t explain her happiness that he’s kind and forgiving despite everything, she simply kisses his head and wraps an arm around him, pulling him close.

“Thank you, baby,” she whispers, “We will be.”

And it feels like another lie, another promise she won’t be able to keep, a disregard of everything the residents of Riverdale are going through right now, but it doesn’t entirely feel like one. Alice so desperately needs to believe that somehow they’ll be okay, her and Charles and the baby inside of her, and she allows herself to do so, just for a moment. Allows herself to let that hope break through her grief and her regret. If not for herself, then for her son.

* * *

The next few weeks pass in almost a daze.

The death of Mary and her child hang over Riverdale like a dark cloud, everyone damaged by the loss of a lifelong resident and an unborn child. Alice doesn’t interact with anyone except for Charles and people at the Wyrm, but even then, she can feel the pain and misery. She arranges for flowers to be sent to the Andrews house, which seems cliche and pathetic, but she doesn’t know what else to do in this situation, doesn’t know how to help them mourn.

She doesn’t hear from Hal at all, which isn’t surprising. FP doesn’t come by the Wyrm, which is, but she hears from Charles that he’s been spending a lot of time with Fred.

Alice has no intentions of reaching out to FP, doesn’t even know what she would say to him. They haven’t spoken since his drunken confession about wanting a family with her, and she’s not sure where they’re meant to go from there, especially with everything else going on. Charles, who is concerningly smart for his age, seems to realise the disconnect between his parents, and doesn’t push it. He goes to FP’s trailer after school on days when Alice is working, but never forces them to speak to or about each other, and she appreciates the grace of her child.

But she can’t avoid FP forever, and Alice has long since learned that the universe is not on her side.

Her water breaks on a Saturday in early September, a week earlier than expected. Alice is home with Charles when it happens, and he looks at her in horror for a moment, before she gently explains that his younger sibling is coming.

Alice had planned to be at the hospital for the arrival, and she realises with horror that she’s going into labour unprepared. She’d been at the Brothers for Charles and had Hal for Polly, but now she has to make her way to the hospital and also give her son to someone while she’s in there, and she knows that there’s only one person she can count on for both of those right now.

“Call your dad,” she instructs Charles as she collapses into a chair, and, not for the first time, she’s glad to have him around. He nods and scurries to the phone, explaining the situation to FP on the line so matter of factly that it makes her smile a little. She sometimes thinks Charles is more of an adult than his parents are, and the thought is equal parts upsetting and amusing.

Despite FP’s many flaws, he’s surprisingly reliable whenever Alice genuinely needs him, and it’s not long before he’s helping her down the stairs of the apartment to his truck, Charles following along behind. They haven’t spoken a word to each other yet, but FP’s arms feel warm and secure around her, and it helps ease whatever fear she feels. She can’t help but think that at least Charles will have his dad if Alice suffers the same fate as Mary, and as much as she hates herself for it, the thought comforts her on the drive to the hospital.

When they pull up outside, she looks to him for the first time, and almost blurts out that  _ you’re right about what you said, let’s be a family together, you and me, you’ve always been it for me even when I tried to pretend.  _ But she doesn’t, because Charles is in the backseat and she has to go give birth, but FP’s smile makes keeping those words to herself the hardest thing she’s ever had to do.

“Thank you,” is what she says instead, and he shrugs, as if it was nothing, the easiest thing in the world to do.

“We look after our own,” he reminds her, and she smiles back, “That means looking after you, and looking after Charles. He’ll be in safe hands.”

Alice glances back at the boy in question, and he grins at her, excited at both the prospect of a younger sibling and getting to spend an entire weekend with her father.

“I love you,” she tells her son, and although Charles doesn’t say it back, his smile is enough. It’ll always be enough, she decides, and doesn’t regret anything that’s happened because of him.

Alice turns back to FP, intending to say goodbye and that she’ll be in touch when it’s all over, but her emotions are running high and she’s not able to hold herself back anymore. So she leans forward and kisses him, and it feels like coming home after being away for so long.

It’s a stupid thing to do - she’s about to have a baby, FP is married, Gladys is expecting, they’re right outside the hospital - but it feels right. She’s spent the past decade pretending that FP didn’t matter to her, and she wants one selfish, impulsive moment where she can drop the act. One last hurrah, to celebrate who they used to be, before they have to embrace reality.

They kiss for several moments until Charles loudly tells them they’re being gross, and Alice pulls away, ready to leave. To start the new chapter of her life, with or without a man beside her.

“I love you too,” she whispers to FP, and gets out of the car before he can say anything in return. It’s something she’s kept to herself for so long, and the freedom of letting it go, of being honest and true, feels like a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulder. She carries that ease with her as she steps inside the hospital, and prepares to give birth to the first child she’s determined not to lose.

* * *

It’s almost calming, to go through the entire experience alone except for the doctors and nurses. She’d given birth to Charles surrounded by the blank stares and cold instructions of the Brothers, and had to deal with Hal’s fumbling attempts to reassure her when she gave birth to Polly. The presence of others had made things worse for her, and Alice takes comfort in the fact that it’s just her and her baby that matter, clings to that notion as she pushes and screams and cries.

She’s only half aware of what’s happening when she’s told that she has a healthy baby girl, unable to focus on everything except for the crying child as the nurses clean and swaddle her. The need to hold her baby close is unlike anything Alice has ever experienced before, and she forgets any pain she’s ever experienced when the nurse finally hands her over.

As she looks down at the newborn in her arms, Alice finds that she can’t think about anything besides her and her daughter in this hospital room. The ache in her chest made by giving up Charles and deepened by losing Polly starts to stitch itself up, and she doesn’t care if Hal never takes her back, or if FP spends the rest of his life caught between her and Gladys and the bottle. She doesn’t care about any of that, and doesn’t know if she ever will again.

“Does she have a name?” The nurse asks, and Alice can almost see her daughter’s life playing out. She’s not going to make the same mistakes this time, is always going to keep her close and fight for her. Alice does not deserve second chances but she is going to take this one with all that she has. Because this baby, this beautiful baby girl, is all hers. Hers and hers alone. And Alice knows, in that moment, that she’ll do anything to keep her safe.

“Elizabeth,” she says, “Elizabeth Smith.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to dez, for building this universe with me and just generally being a wonderful source of support during all this. forever grateful to you and everything that you do.  
> hopefully i'll wrote more in this universe at some point. until then, you can find me on tumblr @ marge-simpson.  
> love, as always,  
> xx ladystark


End file.
